"You love me..."

"...even though I don't deserve it"

Another mid-day post, and my first one since the school year started. I suppose that there's much that I could be talking about, like my rampant pre-"first day of school" parties. I guess the only thing to say about that is one can only talk about that which they have experienced.

Layman's terms: the last party this girl saw before school started was her cousin's cotillion.

So this morning, I ended up missing my 7:48 train out of Hanover Park, meaning I missed Anthro lecture; the only class that I would even remotely enjoy today. I figured I'd just take the 8:55 and miss a tiny bit of the first part of Bio. Frankly, the morning didn't start off as well as I would have hoped. On top of missing my train and my favorite class of the day, I'm not even sure that I paid for the right space number this morning. I parked what seemed like miles away from the actual train station, so by the time I got there, I completely forgot what parking space I was. I've been crossing my fingers all day hoping I don't see a parking sticker on my window when I get back tonight.

There I am, sitting dejectedly on the train, by myself thankfully. I don't think I would have wanted to pass on my bad mood to anyone else. We're almost to the city, and we reach the stop for Western Avenue. As I try to lose myself for a bit by staring out the window, something catches my eye. It was what looked like a page of a magazine with an ad on it. Like someone knew exactly what I was thinking, the ad said, "Is there more to life than just this?" I couldn't even begin to formulate my answer before the train pulled away.

I've been thinking about it all day, and sadly I don't have an answer. All I have is hope that there is more to life than just what we see and hear and experience day in and day out. Monotony is good, in a sense. It gives your day sructure and balance, but to live like that for the rest of your life. My reply is this...

I don't know about you, but if there isn't more to life than just this, what do any of us really live for?

<3

One touch...

'...I'm hooked and I am drowning.'

So for the past couple of days, I've been listening to my iPod on shuffle. Gets me around to the songs that I haven't listened to in a long time. It was pretty nostalgic, to tell you the truth.

I tried going to bed early last night, and like always, it didn't really get me anywhere. Gabe Bondoc's song 'One Touch' came up on shuffle, and I was listening to it for a bit, and I got to thinking about some things. The song talks about how easily a person can fall for someone just because of a single touch or a single look. In all reality, everyone wants to believe that's all it takes, but sometimes that belief turns into delusion. People think that the only way to lie is with your words, but that's not the case. I hear it all the time from so many of my friends: "...but he held my hand all the way there," or "I don't get it. She kissed me, though." It's harder to tell yourself that they lied when the natural belief is that words, not physical interaction, can give a person away. It's nothing we think about in the moment because we're too caught up in it at the time. So who's at fault here? Is it your fault for falling for something seemingly harmless, something that was never really intended to break you? Is it the other person's fault for feigning attraction and inadvertently getting your hopes up? Every situation is unique and different, so it truly is hard to make a definite call on who is to blame. In that instant, no one's really to blame. Why? Because at that very moment, it's all you really wanted, and there's no denying that it's all they wanted, too.

<3

Timing's everything...

"...and this time there's plenty."

Another morning post.

Got a lot of things done this past week. Learned a lot of things, too. Summer's slowly winding down to a close, and I'm not really sure where it went, to tell you the truth. I wish I could say I had crazy little fiascos to make this 'summer of 2008' one of the most memorable to date. Nope, no fiascos. No scandalous happenings. It was simple. I hung out with my family and friends, did some stuff around the house, found a new addiction in the form of a book series. I got my heart broken, fell in love, then had it all fall apart again. I made new friends, and relished time with old ones. I reveled in my last possible moments of 'childhood', and figured out when it was high time that I needed to grow up. Thanks to everyone who just so happened to be part of this simple summer. For everyone else who wasn't, there's always the school year...

<3

Bonjour, money...

'...au revoir, bitches.'

MONDAY: Chilled out at home for a while, then went over to Neilani's house. Joseph was there, cooking dinner. Had dinner and played brawl for a while. Bryan met me at Neilani's house, and then we drove to Tony's. Hung out with Tony and Shai, and all four of us watched 'Jon and Kate Plus 8' by the request of me and Shai. Repeats to come soon (hopefully).

TUESDAY-WEDNESDAY: I wish I could even remember...seriously.

THURSDAY: Painted the living room with pops. Orange; not an obscenely bright orange, but sort of like a calming burnt orange. Finished that just in time for Bryan to come over for dinner and watch ABDC. I am still trying to recover from the grief. Supreme Soul should have never been in the bottom two in the first place. I'll miss you, George Anzaldo.

FRIDAY: Massage therapy in the morning. No lie, for a small asian woman, she completely and utterly owned me. I did not know that my neck and shoulders were even that tense. Went paint shopping with the parents (yellow, for the kitchen). Went home, and got ready to go out with Pam. Spent the rest of the day in the city with friends. It felt really good to be back, Windy...

SATURDAY: Picked up grandma from work. Went back home and helped dad prime the kitchen. Bryan came over, had dinner, then the whole bunch of us up and went to Summerfest. God, I felt old. Ran into 3/4 of IJL and Alyssa, which was really nice. Haven't seen the girls in a while, so it was all too refreshing. Watched the fireworks on the hillside by the rides, and I think for the first time in a long time, Anne didn't scream. Met up with the parents at the main stage, and finished off the night with a plate of fresh carnival funnel cake.

SUNDAY: Church, and a mass that I didn't sleep through. Went to Grand Victoria's for brunch with family, including the grandparents. Went back home to clean, and Bryan came over when Anne and I were done. Watched 'Last Holiday' and ate gyros and italian beef.

Awesome week.

<3>

When you go...

'...all i know is you're my favorite mistake.'

I've always wondered why, in life, it was the things that hurt me that enticed me the most. Ever since that first day, staring at the flickering candles on the kitchen table. They said it would hurt me if I played with fire, so I shouldn't even start. Too bad, guys. You just made me want to play even more. It was because you said I couldn't have it, that it would hurt if I even tried. I wanted to prove you wrong, that I would be the one that could play with fire and walk away...

Take that concept, and relate it to people. Relate it, specifically, to that one person. They're your candle, your bad addiction. Regardless of all that hurt they cause, the harm they do you to, you just keep coming back for more. As humans, our brains are trained to help us in terms of survival. When something bad happens to us, even once, and the action has bad repercussions, our brains store it. So the action isn't repeated. So the reaction is kept from happening.

...But we come back. Again and again, over and over. For what? For the same reason why we played with the fire. All the rest of the world says it is our very own forbidden fruit, the one thing in which we are simply not able to indulge. Heaven forbid you take away the one thing that, deep down, we want the most. Even with all the red warning flags, we still dare to take that dangerously icy plunge. Why?

Because we hope and pray that one day, we can prove that we are the ones fit to handle the fire.

<3

Rewind that...

'...just rollin' with the rhythm.'

Wow. I'm usually extremely verbose with my posts, but this particular one needs only a few simple words. I write, without the expectation of anyone to read.

Dear world, I stand corrected.

<3

Kiss your mirrors...

'...'cause we're all stars now.'

As promised, pictures from the party. Obviously not all of them, but some of my choice favorites. Thanks to Tito Mario and Tita Luz for throwing another baller-ass party, and one awesome birthday shout-out to Rhea...welcome to the real world! Enjoy the rest of your summer, and remember; stay away from any flooded areas when you're in Iowa.

<3

  ﾠ

The world is yours, so play the role...

'...blow the dust off this record and put the needle down slow.'

It's very seldom that I feel the compulsion to do a mid-day post, but here I am. I finally finished Eclipse and now I'm just ready and waiting for Breaking Dawn. A part of me is definitely hoping that there's more to Bella and Edward's saga so that it can't simply be encompassed in a mere four book series.

So I woke up this morning from what I thought was a good night's sleep. For some reason, I felt like I had just woken up from passing out from exhaustion; I was sore and achy everywhere. I know that in my dreams, I was running a lot and what-not. It sounds stupid, but it kinda felt like the psychological exhaustion in my dreams that I should have felt somehow manifested itself to a true physical exhaustion. I'm not one to quickly believe things like that, but for whatever reason, it seemed highly plausible today. I'm still a little sore and tired now, but I got some breakfast in me, which looks to have made things a little better.

In a couple hours, the family's going to my cousin Rhea's cotillion, and I'm really excited for it. My aunt and uncle are renowned for their over-the-top themed parties, so it was no surprise that their youngest daughter's debutante ball wasn't going to be an exception. This time, it's the roaring 20's. Flapper dresses, cigarette boys, fedora hats and gangsters. This is going to be one hell of a time tonight, so expect pictures soon.

<3

I won't let my guard down...

'...for anyone but you.'

It's been a really slow and comfortable past couple of days. Thanks to Pam, I am officially obsessed with the Twilight book series. I'm finishing the third book, and waiting on bated breath for the fourth book to come out. Basically, that's what most of my weekend was devoted to doing; I was reading the books on our back porch and just relaxing out in the sun...

Nothing much that's new, nothing majorly important. I have been starting to work on more of my music and writing these days, but it sort of works itself out when it wants to. Just...enjoying summer, I guess. Ocean's coming to visit in a couple of weeks, and then there's the annual Streamwood Summerfest which I am thoroughly excited for. Been thinking about school a lot, but that's nothing new. I've been going to bed earlier these days, which is always a good thing. Sleep's always been best at helping me sort out things that I've been worried or stressing about. It's getting better...slowly, but surely. I'll just have to let it run it's course, I suppose.

<3

Wave your glasses high...

'...'cause we ain't got no choice but to party.'

So good to be back in the city. Taught my second workshop for the summer, and met some cool new kids. After the workshop, Jae and I sat in the quad and did what we're too pro at; we talked, about anything and everything that we seemed to be missing out on. It was hard to fathom that I hadn't seen her since the last day of school, but it was a good feeling. I saw one half of symposium for most of the summer, and it was good to see the final fourth. Met up with Andrew Lee and Tom after their bio class and then we went to Joy Yee's to eat. It was nice seeing them, too. I found out that Jae can't seem to order duck noodle soup without making the waiter laugh, and that Andrew now really wants a Wall-E of his very own. I think he'll have to settle for putting Lucky in a box and watching him walk around. Checked out an apartment with Lesley, then headed off to Millenium Park to finish off my night in the city.

Spent a great day with equally great people. Goodbye June, hello July...

<3

I am only a fighter...

'...in the form of a writer.'

Lots of things went on this week, some good and some bad. Gave me a lot to think about, but overall I like how it turned out.

So I guess you could say I learned a lot of different things over the past week, and from the people that I would least expect to learn anything from...

I found out that in moments of utter desperation, hope comes in many different forms. You find out that there are different people in your life that, while seemingly existing in the background, become your source for happiness and comfort. Someone that you feel you barely even know becomes a great friend, and all because of a few spoken words. You ever get those moments where you wonder why you never saw how amazing someone was because you never fully realized their potential to be of some significance in your life? Sometimes, all it takes is 'one moment'...

<3

You can't have a high without a low...

'...those are the moments that stand alone and never falter.'





<3

At musing's end...

'...I like to imagine it because it will be beautiful.'

Have you ever wondered whether or not this was all just a game we played? You, me, all of us; just pawns. Everything said, everything done, and even lack of speech or action at all...just part of the strategy. I often think to myself that there are so many people out there that take life that way, not as an experience, but a chance to come out as the victor. All decisions made so calculated and pre-planned; how can one call that living? Sacrifice of a friend for a heart, or vice versa. At times, not even just one. Countless innocent people given up all in the quest for 'being better' than the next person. Always trying to keep one step ahead of everyone else, who in turn is already trying to keep one step ahead of you. All for what, pride? Status? In this 'game', there is no time to stop and smell the roses, unless the roses gain you brownie points...

Life does not have a high score. Life is in story mode, not versus. You can't put in more coins if you lose a life; you have just one shot at it, so make it worthwhile.

<3

Relax, relax...

'...exhale and breathe; just breathe for me.'

You'd be amazed at the amount of time three people can kill just by walking around the Bolingbrook Promenade. Good luck to the people that buy those two Post Secret books...cherish those secrets written on Potbelly's napkins in red and blue crayon. Ran into Ging at Pac-Sun today, and I also learned that whilst walking in the Promenade, you MUST wear your hat either completely forward or completely backward. Oh, Ale, such a rebel wearing your hat backward yet slightly angled to the left. Tsk tsk tsk. After the security guard walked down our aisle in Barnes and Noble, we put down our book of halfies (half Asians, half Caucasians) and jet out of there, but not before Thai picked up a copy of The Iliad and I grabbed a sketchbook (yessss...!). So now where did we wanna go?

One word: IKEA.

'Nuff said. If the same three people can preoccupy themselves laughing at stupid misspellings in a book about racial diversity, imagine the fun they can conjure up in a store filled with furnishings that no American in their right mind can properly pronounce...

Well, unless you're fluent in Swedish. It was a good day spent with good people. All a girl can really ask for, I guess.

<3

Summer breeze makes me feel fine...

'...blowing through the jasmine in my mind.'

Been keeping it really simple for the past couple days. I've been watching the skies for fear that one of those many reported twisters just so happens to touch down nearby because everyone refuses to believe it's actually going to hit...

I was talking to Ading Trina, and she told me she watched my workshop video. Frankly, I had a really good time at that workshop, but I was still really disappointed in myself. I always think I can do better; it's more my fault for being my own worse critic. So I spent most of last night trying to find a song then Ben says should want to 'make me move', lol. Trina said she might talk to Kris and see if she could find someone I could collab with for a Nonstop workshop *fingers crossed!*. Passed out on Anne's bedroom floor to her playing video games. Wasn't surprised that I had another whacked-out dream night, but it was pretty funny. Earth was about to get destroyed due to Jupiter's gravitational pull, but then somehow miraculously escaped. Oh, but wait, side effects of the gravity change gave certain humans (and some animals) superhuman powers. Yep, I could fly...my three huskies could, too. Oh yeah, they could talk, too. My wacky dream couldn't be complete without the usual half-woman, half-underwater creature...and a cameo by Chuck Norris.

So I finally found that song though, and I can almost guarantee I'll be dancing to it in my head on the way to dinner tonight...

<3

Konichiwa, bitches...

"...from Beijing to Saigon."

Today was essentially a really good day. Shout out to mommy and daddy (it was their 15th wedding anniversary today). Yeah, they actually put up with each other for that long, haha...

It was hot today, and I mean 'if I had balls, they would for sure as hell be sticking to my leg' hot. Besides that, it was a nice chill day at home. For the first time in a long while, I actually took a mid-day nap. It was really nice, and daddy even put a pillow under my head when I fell asleep on the couch and everything...

So I was thinking about it today, and wondered what life would be like if I never came to America. What kind of person would I be if my mom and real dad never got divorced when I was little? What if, even if they did, my mom never decided to bring me over to live with her and my step-dad here in America? After my mom had brought me here when I was 4 years old, I was kind of mad at her for the longest time because she took me away from my dad. At the point and time, I never knew that my parents were divorced; they never thought it important to tell me. I mean, even when my mom picked me up from the airport, I thought that my step-dad was our driver (yeah, in the Philippines, I had a driver) . Then as time passed, I found out that I was so lucky to have the kind of step-dad that I did. Over the years, I kind of found out that my step-dad would be more of a dad to me than my real dad would ever be. Regardless of the fact that my real dad now lives only about a 45 minute drive away, he knows little to nothing about my life. From birthdays to boyfriends to break-ups, it was always my step-dad that was there for me. Frankly, he's the one that I can talk to about things like that. He's always given me advice when he thought it was needed, let me cry it out when he really wanted to kick some dude's ass instead, and let me take care of things on my own when he knew I could handle it. So I just have to wonder, who gets to walk me down the aisle when the time comes? Is it the guy who I share half my DNA with, or the guy that I owe most of my life to?...

I guess it all comes down to the fact that everything in my life happened for a reason, all the good stuff as well as the bad. Everything, even down to the little detail, made me the kind of person I am today. All the jerks that broke my heart, bitches that talked about me, friends that laughed with me, and hearts I fell in love with contributed to the way that I am now in some way. So as for wondering what kind of person I would be like if I didn't come to America; as much as it is a really deep question to ponder, I really would rather not like to think about it. I bet I would have turned out as a fine young woman regardless of where I ended up calling home, but I love how far I've come and the way I am now, thanks...

<3

Their hearts say, "Move along."

...their minds say, "Gotcha, Heart; let's move it along."

What a day. not quite as i had planned, but still...

What a day.

Great, now I'm confused, too...and I think even the shopping couldn't cure that. Nice try, H&M, but this one's a toughie.

Song quotes, that always helps whenever I can't find the right words. They always ended up doing a better job, anyways...

"Now waking up is hard to do, sleeping's impossible too..."-Maroon 5

"I'd do anything to keep this fear from flowing through my veins, so I'd stay awake and fret just for you..."-Daphne Loves Derby

Why does it always have to be like this...?

<3

The skies cry...

...only when we can't.

Just doing some sporadic cleaning today, and somehow, like he knew I needed it...I found it. It was my final draft of my personal statement that I sent into UIC. It was about my friend, Max Zeman, and the day I went to his wake. In the hustle and bustle of things that have been going on in my life lately, when I picked up that draft, it all went away. Those two pieces of paper and all the words written on them made me remember that there was more to life than worrying about every little thing and every little detail. So here's a bit of insight onto part of what helped me get into UIC; disregarding the ACT scores, I think this pushed me over the top.

"Rummaging through my drawer, I came across a wrinkled and frayed tie, it's silken cloth worn over time...I thought back to the day when Max had given it to me to keep, a token of his kindness and a sign of support for my search to find myself. "Don't worry, I'm here to help," he said. His gentle smile and eyes filled with compassion for my plight showed that he was sincere."

"As I stepped into the funeral home, I saw many saddened yet familiar faces. I saw friends from school, and ones that I hadn't seen in years. Then, slowly turning to my left, there lay Max. I walked up to the coffin with the tie in hand, and as I kneeled down to pray, I cried. The tears were painful, and I could feel the pit in my stomach swell and grow as each one fell...I crossed myself with my right hand, kissed it, and touched Max's heart. It was cold and still, the warmth of his life and love long gone. I took the tie I had in my other hand, and gently placed it beside him. "Thanks for everything, buddy. I really am going to miss you. You can have this back now. I want you to look spiffy when you get up there." I smiled, and half expected him to smile back at the silly joke."

"Laughter replaced tears, and smiles replaced frowns. As we shared stories of old times that we all spent together, the hallway slowly began to fill up. Other people came in to look through the photos and to find a memory that they shared with Max. Looking around, it amazed me to see how many lives on person could affect. The fact that one heart could touch a hundred others made me appreciate the life I had.
Walking out of the funeral home, I was a changed person. In life, and in death, Max taught me so much more than I could have ever imagined. I learned to be compassionate for others, and to be kind at heart. I learned that simple actions could affect a person in the grandest ways. I learned to appreciate the people that blessed my life, because I would never be promised tomorrow with them. I also learned that life is a precious gift, not to be wasted but to be spent wisely. It is not what you have in life, but what you do with it that shows whether or not you have had a life worth living. From what I saw today, and from what I have known for years, Max lived a good life."

To this day, I still think about him sometimes, and I cry because I miss him so much. No one really realizes how important he was, and is, to me, and I don't think anyone ever really will. Max saved me, and I can't thank him enough for everything. I hope I'm making you proud, Max...

<3

I'm not fine, I'm in pain...

...it's harder every day.

I am having the most whacked-out dreams lately, and a good majority have to do with me either beating the living shit out of someone, or of people dying...

Pent-up tension? A peek into the future? Or symbolism of something far more complex?

I was driving around today...just driving. I needed to try and clear my head. There was just wayyy too much going on in there. All day, I just felt kinda sad, and not necessarily about anything in specific. Just...sad, that's all. I don't really know if the driving did it, but I got home and I did feel better.

Anyways, back to the driving. I never really realized it up until then, but I have been taking for granted the time I get to myself. I feel as though I'm purposely trying to find something, anything for me to do or take up my time. Why? Maybe just to avoid thinking about things that needed to be thought about. I guess I try to convince myself that there are more 'pressing issues' to deal with, but in all reality, there really isn't. In comparison to everything bottled up inside, most other things can wait.

So, now that I have gotten the chance to think about it, what do I do?

<3>

Nothing left for me to do but dance...

...got canned heat in my heels tonight baby.

So hype was two days ago, and it still hasn't hit me that I was a part of it. I had so much fun practicing with the people in FIA that were doing it, and the experience in and of itself was nothing short of mind-blowing. All the dance groups were awesome and really inspiring to me. Mind you, the show took a while to actually start, but once it did, the night just kept on rollin'. Sagar, Ryan, Raj, and Josh were there, I saw IJC there too and bunch of other people. As much fun as the show was, it was a good feeling knowing that I had some really close friends there watching and supporting me; thanks guys!











<3>

What if fine's not good enough...

"...what if i want 'extraordinary' ? "

Random Thought #1: There was this poster in my french class all throughout high school. It was of Lucy from the Peanuts comics, and she was saying something in French; Mes goûts sont simples, j'aime la perfection. I used to agree with that, and now-a-days, I'm not so sure anymore...


Random Thought #2: I feel as though I was greatly deprived as a child because of the fact that I haven't ever been to Disneyworld.; been to the lesser, not-as-appealing-in-my-book Disneyland, and frankly, I just don't think it's the same. Is it too late for me to enjoy all that dear ol' Walt's imagination had to offer?


Random Thought #3: Fuck, I'm a sophomore in college after the end of this summer. I'm really that old already...


Random Thought #4: What if nursing isn't really what I wanna do? and how am I supposed to tell them? Maybe it's just me, and maybe it's just a phase I'm going through [right now], but in all honesty, it's all i eat, breathe, sleep, dream, and live these days. I just wanna get this cleared up...

<3

Here's a toast...

"...to all those who hear me all too well."

Freshman year is over, and it's the weirdest feeling, but I'm coming home missing all the people that I considered my 'family' at UIC. You don't realize it until you take your last final; you're done, you're packing your things, and it hits you that your closest friend for a majority of the past year will no longer be just a walk down the hall away. A walk's turned into a drive, a trip, or even a trek. The people you're used to having lunch with after a long day of lectures won't be as easy to meet up with as a text saying, "lunch @ the cafe?"

So this is an ode to those people; the ones that really made a big impact on me this year. I couldn't have made it out alive without each and every one of you.

Pam- Yeah, I know it's been one long year...we even had our first cry together! One down, hopefully only three more to go. I love you so much, as much as I love yellow gummy bears and boys that play tennis... ^_^ Besties since we were kiddies, and it ain't stoppin' now...

Thai- Can you believe our whole friendship started with, "who's this bitch?" Thanks for being there for me when I really needed you, and I think we need another sleepover night with tarot cards and hookah, okay? Don't forget about that video blog while you're in Thailand, okay? You promised, kiddo...

Jae- Modern just wouldn't have been the same without you. Thanks for being my sometimes mirror when I dance, and for teaching me to say words the wrong way soley based on how they're spelled, haha! (ja-la-pen-o, mo-ji-to...) DAHHH!!!

Raj- To start off, I must commend you on making my 19th birthday the BEST birthday ever. Good friends, good times...until midnight, lol! Thanks for taking care of me, watching out for me, and being someone to talk to when I really needed it.

Andrew- I finished Stairway to Heaven! Yay! Anyways, thanks for taking me to Cozy that night; really needed it. Still owe you a dinner you know...oh, and mission accomplished, I think we were the cutest couple at HC Ball...

Kay- SISTER! Where would I have been this year without you? Thanks for helping me out with everything, and being my State Street shopping buddy!!

Ale- KUYA! You're the best big brother anyone could ever ask for...I mean, come on, dunks for christmas!? oakely hoodie!? I love you soo much, ya-ya! Thanks for taking care of me, and telling me when I'm about to do something stupid. You can't leave me next year, please? I just couldn't bear it...

Kat- Ooooh my gahhh...like, I can't believe I, like, even met you this year! ^-^ Two semesters of the same class with you, with one of them not counting 'cause I get too lazy to go to class...Anyways, thanks for everything; the photoshoot, the random catch-up talks, everything. Same class again next year?

Tony- "These are my seven jeans, they cost more than your face!!" Ha, good times! Thanks for letting me pass out on your bunk that one day when I wasn't feeling good, haha! Just bummed that I'm gonna have to wait an entire summer to see you... =[

Sagar- Sags! Now, even though I beat you in the geo-bee way back in the day, I still love you, and I've loved you ever since that night....HAHAHA! No really, I really glad we're getting know each other better, not just as 'that kid i went to elementary school with.' Even though it was towards the end of second semester, I still had a lot of fun!

Ryan- Guess what? Regardless of anything, you're still a meanie...=] Just kidding! I really like getting to know you better, too bad it just had to be toward the end of the year... I say a photoshoot with your two favorite people (*cough*Leiah and Sagar*cough*) is in order sometime over the summer. Thanks for taking time to learn some of my raw-some dance moves.

<3

Payback...almost

>>props to a certain Ryan Calacsan for the photo on the right, i love it!

So freshman year's over. I guess there's a lot of say about how it went. School-wise, I'm disappointed. I feel like I could have done so much better. Just something to work on for next year, I guess. Leaving today was somewhat bittersweet. I'm sad to leave all the friends that I made over the year, and yet I'm happy and excited to start the summer. It really did feel like the friends that I made this year were people that I could call family; people that I could really count on. Whether I met you in the beginning of the school year, or wayyy towards the end, know you all made an impact on me, and I'll always remember you...

"So what do we call it, the begininng's end...or the end's beginning?"

To finish off, the lyrics to the song that I've been oh-so-addicted to for the past couple days. Thanks to my best friend, Pam Cabrera, for that one...enjoy!

'this is not a test, not a test
there can't be any secrets.
do you think that i can see you?
i know it's late; i need you...

to open my chest, my chest
fix whatever you need to be fixed
so long as i can hold you,
breathe in rhythm with you...

it's all that i've waited for.

this is payback for all of the words
that never meant enough to keep me concerned
every homesick letter that never had the strength to find your door.

this is just enough to keep me concerned
with every hope i had that you would return
and now i've learned that you've become everything I once hated and still depend on.

this is torturous, torturous
so close i can feel your touch.
i'd be patient but i lust for you
i'll do anything you want me to.
i'll be the best chance you take
lost in the rhythm our bodies make
[boy] you know i lust for you,
i'll do anything you want me to

it's all that i've waited for

this is payback for all of the words
that never meant enough to keep me concerned
Every homesick letter that never had the strength to find your door

this is just enough to keep me concerned
with every hope i had that you would return
and now i've learned that you've become everything i once hated and still depend on

and if all i can do
is just sit and wait for you
then i guess i'll just be waiting till the end
oh I guess i'll just be waiting till the end'

<3

Everyone knows I'm in over my head...

'...with eight seconds left in overtime, [he's] on your mind...'-The Fray

This is one of the five bunnies in Arshan's room...oh, the shit I got for this picture. If you look really closely, we both have slightly orange hair. It was the beginning of a very good weekend. Been thinking about lots of different things, and just trying to take things day by day...

This just hurts more than I thought it would...

I know that I can literally feel my heart breaking into pieces, and that's not the worst part. It's the fake smiles, the constant pretending that everything's okay.

I don't want to share the moments that I shared with you with anyone else. Maybe it's just me that feels it. Maybe you were wrong. Maybe I was the one that fell harder than either of us intended...

I'm so sorry. I guess I let both of us down.

It's just a game of Q & A

Yesterday turned out really well. Started the morning off with church, then spent time at the mall with the family. Really chill, really simple, and I guess I needed it more than I thought I did. Coming home and just lying in my bed after a day like that felt all too deserved...

So I'm sitting there in my room just thinking about things that cross my mind. I start to think about people, places, dreams, all that existential kind of stuff. I start to think about how far in life I've come, and how much I've grown. Then, I start to think about certain people, and I get caught up in it. I think back to how much I used to stress about boys and having a boyfriend and being in a relationship. Now-a-days, I feel like I want to be able to see what it's like to just do things on my own without the 'burden' of having a boyfriend. I was talking to Pam, and she confirmed what Ive known all along. I'm the kind of girl that rarely stays single for long, if at all. It's long relationship after another, peppered with the little flings here and there.

I just want to know what it feels like. I've thought about it before, and frankly, it may have been a bad idea for me to go into college attached and part of a serious relationship. The fact that he goes to school two states away doesn't help things either. I don't know if I've been tempted by everything around me, or just coming to the realization that regardless of how serious I may think this relationship is, I'm NOT married. My parents tell me I'm young, and that I should be having fun when I'm in college, and not having to worry about answering to a boyfriend that goes to school 5 hours away.

So it makes me wonder, does my want for space and freedom mean that I need to re-evaluate my feelings for him as my boyfriend? Does it mean that I want to maybe start something new with someone new? Or are we meant to stay together throughout this whole thing regardless of feelings and anxiety? We fight more often then we ever have these days, and I think that this whole break from us being together is driving me closer to leaving completely. I may not mean too, but I find myself looking elsewhere, finding other people to be interested it. Does the prospect of possible relationship with certain people outweigh the current relationship that, while it may be falling apart, I'm still somewhat a part of?

I just want a sign, something, anything. I want to be able to trust in my feelings and emotions again. I don't want to think that all of my efforts are in vain. Please tell me that everything I've put into how I feel for you, regardless of how small, isn't just another thing that you've gotten over and pushed to the wayside. Remember, you promised you wouldn't. I guess what I'm trying to say is, whether or not you meant for me to, I've fallen for you more than I initially intended. Not to say it's your fault; you can't help it, and apparently, neither can I. I just hope you don't forget everything, because that would be far worse than leaving. Leaving just means you can't be a part of it, but forgetting means you'd rather not acknowledge it ever happened...

The beginnings of something wonderful...maybe.

The past couple of weeks have just been a little bit too crazy for me to even begin to comprehend. School's coming down to a close, tests are coming at me left and right. The funniest part about it all is that I've learned so much more outside of the classroom than in it.

You find out that the people that you thought you could depend on would be the ones to point and laugh when you stumble. You begin to realize that maybe not everything was as perfect as it seemed. You find out what it's like to get your heart broken by the one person that you least expected to break it. You try each and every day to find something good and honest to believe in.

...but without suffering, there would be no compassion. It takes some time, but when you take that moment to just breathe and take a real good look around, it's easy to see the good that can come from the bad. In finding out who would watch you take the fall, you also find out who the ones are that would hold out their hand, if not catch you. You realize that it is not the strive for perfection, but the understanding and acceptance of foibles and flaws that makes one perfect. As for a broken heart, I've heard the best remedy for that is a night with close, trusted friends, and an iTunes playlist that could melt John Mayer's heart. So it wasn't so much a search for the goodness and honesty that I needed, but more like life's slap in the face to show me that it was there all along.

So for tonight, I'll fall asleep to the skyline. Who knows, maybe he'll be falling asleep to it to, thinking the same things, singing the same words, and dreaming of exactly just who he wants to fall asleep with one day instead of the city lights...