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'...in the form of a writer.'
Lots of things went on this week, some good and some bad. Gave me a lot to think about, but overall I like how it turned out.
So I guess you could say I learned a lot of different things over the past week, and from the people that I would least expect to learn anything from...
I found out that in moments of utter desperation, hope comes in many different forms. You find out that there are different people in your life that, while seemingly existing in the background, become your source for happiness and comfort. Someone that you feel you barely even know becomes a great friend, and all because of a few spoken words. You ever get those moments where you wonder why you never saw how amazing someone was because you never fully realized their potential to be of some significance in your life? Sometimes, all it takes is 'one moment'...
<3
'...I like to imagine it because it will be beautiful.'
Have you ever wondered whether or not this was all just a game we played? You, me, all of us; just pawns. Everything said, everything done, and even lack of speech or action at all...just part of the strategy. I often think to myself that there are so many people out there that take life that way, not as an experience, but a chance to come out as the victor. All decisions made so calculated and pre-planned; how can one call that living? Sacrifice of a friend for a heart, or vice versa. At times, not even just one. Countless innocent people given up all in the quest for 'being better' than the next person. Always trying to keep one step ahead of everyone else, who in turn is already trying to keep one step ahead of you. All for what, pride? Status? In this 'game', there is no time to stop and smell the roses, unless the roses gain you brownie points...
Life does not have a high score. Life is in story mode, not versus. You can't put in more coins if you lose a life; you have just one shot at it, so make it worthwhile.
<3
'...exhale and breathe; just breathe for me.'
You'd be amazed at the amount of time three people can kill just by walking around the Bolingbrook Promenade. Good luck to the people that buy those two Post Secret books...cherish those secrets written on Potbelly's napkins in red and blue crayon. Ran into Ging at Pac-Sun today, and I also learned that whilst walking in the Promenade, you MUST wear your hat either completely forward or completely backward. Oh, Ale, such a rebel wearing your hat backward yet slightly angled to the left. Tsk tsk tsk. After the security guard walked down our aisle in Barnes and Noble, we put down our book of halfies (half Asians, half Caucasians) and jet out of there, but not before Thai picked up a copy of The Iliad and I grabbed a sketchbook (yessss...!). So now where did we wanna go?
One word: IKEA.
'Nuff said. If the same three people can preoccupy themselves laughing at stupid misspellings in a book about racial diversity, imagine the fun they can conjure up in a store filled with furnishings that no American in their right mind can properly pronounce...
Well, unless you're fluent in Swedish. It was a good day spent with good people. All a girl can really ask for, I guess.
<3
'...blowing through the jasmine in my mind.'
Been keeping it really simple for the past couple days. I've been watching the skies for fear that one of those many reported twisters just so happens to touch down nearby because everyone refuses to believe it's actually going to hit...
I was talking to Ading Trina, and she told me she watched my workshop video. Frankly, I had a really good time at that workshop, but I was still really disappointed in myself. I always think I can do better; it's more my fault for being my own worse critic. So I spent most of last night trying to find a song then Ben says should want to 'make me move', lol. Trina said she might talk to Kris and see if she could find someone I could collab with for a Nonstop workshop *fingers crossed!*. Passed out on Anne's bedroom floor to her playing video games. Wasn't surprised that I had another whacked-out dream night, but it was pretty funny. Earth was about to get destroyed due to Jupiter's gravitational pull, but then somehow miraculously escaped. Oh, but wait, side effects of the gravity change gave certain humans (and some animals) superhuman powers. Yep, I could fly...my three huskies could, too. Oh yeah, they could talk, too. My wacky dream couldn't be complete without the usual half-woman, half-underwater creature...and a cameo by Chuck Norris.
So I finally found that song though, and I can almost guarantee I'll be dancing to it in my head on the way to dinner tonight...
<3
"...from Beijing to Saigon."
Today was essentially a really good day. Shout out to mommy and daddy (it was their 15th wedding anniversary today). Yeah, they actually put up with each other for that long, haha...
It was hot today, and I mean 'if I had balls, they would for sure as hell be sticking to my leg' hot. Besides that, it was a nice chill day at home. For the first time in a long while, I actually took a mid-day nap. It was really nice, and daddy even put a pillow under my head when I fell asleep on the couch and everything...
So I was thinking about it today, and wondered what life would be like if I never came to America. What kind of person would I be if my mom and real dad never got divorced when I was little? What if, even if they did, my mom never decided to bring me over to live with her and my step-dad here in America? After my mom had brought me here when I was 4 years old, I was kind of mad at her for the longest time because she took me away from my dad. At the point and time, I never knew that my parents were divorced; they never thought it important to tell me. I mean, even when my mom picked me up from the airport, I thought that my step-dad was our driver (yeah, in the Philippines, I had a driver) . Then as time passed, I found out that I was so lucky to have the kind of step-dad that I did. Over the years, I kind of found out that my step-dad would be more of a dad to me than my real dad would ever be. Regardless of the fact that my real dad now lives only about a 45 minute drive away, he knows little to nothing about my life. From birthdays to boyfriends to break-ups, it was always my step-dad that was there for me. Frankly, he's the one that I can talk to about things like that. He's always given me advice when he thought it was needed, let me cry it out when he really wanted to kick some dude's ass instead, and let me take care of things on my own when he knew I could handle it. So I just have to wonder, who gets to walk me down the aisle when the time comes? Is it the guy who I share half my DNA with, or the guy that I owe most of my life to?...
I guess it all comes down to the fact that everything in my life happened for a reason, all the good stuff as well as the bad. Everything, even down to the little detail, made me the kind of person I am today. All the jerks that broke my heart, bitches that talked about me, friends that laughed with me, and hearts I fell in love with contributed to the way that I am now in some way. So as for wondering what kind of person I would be like if I didn't come to America; as much as it is a really deep question to ponder, I really would rather not like to think about it. I bet I would have turned out as a fine young woman regardless of where I ended up calling home, but I love how far I've come and the way I am now, thanks...
<3
...their minds say, "Gotcha, Heart; let's move it along."
What a day. not quite as i had planned, but still...
What a day.
Great, now I'm confused, too...and I think even the shopping couldn't cure that. Nice try, H&M, but this one's a toughie.
Song quotes, that always helps whenever I can't find the right words. They always ended up doing a better job, anyways...
"Now waking up is hard to do, sleeping's impossible too..."-Maroon 5
"I'd do anything to keep this fear from flowing through my veins, so I'd stay awake and fret just for you..."-Daphne Loves Derby
Why does it always have to be like this...?
<3
...only when we can't.
Just doing some sporadic cleaning today, and somehow, like he knew I needed it...I found it. It was my final draft of my personal statement that I sent into UIC. It was about my friend, Max Zeman, and the day I went to his wake. In the hustle and bustle of things that have been going on in my life lately, when I picked up that draft, it all went away. Those two pieces of paper and all the words written on them made me remember that there was more to life than worrying about every little thing and every little detail. So here's a bit of insight onto part of what helped me get into UIC; disregarding the ACT scores, I think this pushed me over the top.
"Rummaging through my drawer, I came across a wrinkled and frayed tie, it's silken cloth worn over time...I thought back to the day when Max had given it to me to keep, a token of his kindness and a sign of support for my search to find myself. "Don't worry, I'm here to help," he said. His gentle smile and eyes filled with compassion for my plight showed that he was sincere."
"As I stepped into the funeral home, I saw many saddened yet familiar faces. I saw friends from school, and ones that I hadn't seen in years. Then, slowly turning to my left, there lay Max. I walked up to the coffin with the tie in hand, and as I kneeled down to pray, I cried. The tears were painful, and I could feel the pit in my stomach swell and grow as each one fell...I crossed myself with my right hand, kissed it, and touched Max's heart. It was cold and still, the warmth of his life and love long gone. I took the tie I had in my other hand, and gently placed it beside him. "Thanks for everything, buddy. I really am going to miss you. You can have this back now. I want you to look spiffy when you get up there." I smiled, and half expected him to smile back at the silly joke."
"Laughter replaced tears, and smiles replaced frowns. As we shared stories of old times that we all spent together, the hallway slowly began to fill up. Other people came in to look through the photos and to find a memory that they shared with Max. Looking around, it amazed me to see how many lives on person could affect. The fact that one heart could touch a hundred others made me appreciate the life I had.
Walking out of the funeral home, I was a changed person. In life, and in death, Max taught me so much more than I could have ever imagined. I learned to be compassionate for others, and to be kind at heart. I learned that simple actions could affect a person in the grandest ways. I learned to appreciate the people that blessed my life, because I would never be promised tomorrow with them. I also learned that life is a precious gift, not to be wasted but to be spent wisely. It is not what you have in life, but what you do with it that shows whether or not you have had a life worth living. From what I saw today, and from what I have known for years, Max lived a good life."
To this day, I still think about him sometimes, and I cry because I miss him so much. No one really realizes how important he was, and is, to me, and I don't think anyone ever really will. Max saved me, and I can't thank him enough for everything. I hope I'm making you proud, Max...
<3
