skip to main |
skip to sidebar
'...with eight seconds left in overtime, [he's] on your mind...'-The Fray
This is one of the five bunnies in Arshan's room...oh, the shit I got for this picture. If you look really closely, we both have slightly orange hair. It was the beginning of a very good weekend. Been thinking about lots of different things, and just trying to take things day by day...
I know that I can literally feel my heart breaking into pieces, and that's not the worst part. It's the fake smiles, the constant pretending that everything's okay.
I don't want to share the moments that I shared with you with anyone else. Maybe it's just me that feels it. Maybe you were wrong. Maybe I was the one that fell harder than either of us intended...
I'm so sorry. I guess I let both of us down.
Yesterday turned out really well. Started the morning off with church, then spent time at the mall with the family. Really chill, really simple, and I guess I needed it more than I thought I did. Coming home and just lying in my bed after a day like that felt all too deserved...
So I'm sitting there in my room just thinking about things that cross my mind. I start to think about people, places, dreams, all that existential kind of stuff. I start to think about how far in life I've come, and how much I've grown. Then, I start to think about certain people, and I get caught up in it. I think back to how much I used to stress about boys and having a boyfriend and being in a relationship. Now-a-days, I feel like I want to be able to see what it's like to just do things on my own without the 'burden' of having a boyfriend. I was talking to Pam, and she confirmed what Ive known all along. I'm the kind of girl that rarely stays single for long, if at all. It's long relationship after another, peppered with the little flings here and there.
I just want to know what it feels like. I've thought about it before, and frankly, it may have been a bad idea for me to go into college attached and part of a serious relationship. The fact that he goes to school two states away doesn't help things either. I don't know if I've been tempted by everything around me, or just coming to the realization that regardless of how serious I may think this relationship is, I'm NOT married. My parents tell me I'm young, and that I should be having fun when I'm in college, and not having to worry about answering to a boyfriend that goes to school 5 hours away.
So it makes me wonder, does my want for space and freedom mean that I need to re-evaluate my feelings for him as my boyfriend? Does it mean that I want to maybe start something new with someone new? Or are we meant to stay together throughout this whole thing regardless of feelings and anxiety? We fight more often then we ever have these days, and I think that this whole break from us being together is driving me closer to leaving completely. I may not mean too, but I find myself looking elsewhere, finding other people to be interested it. Does the prospect of possible relationship with certain people outweigh the current relationship that, while it may be falling apart, I'm still somewhat a part of?
I just want a sign, something, anything. I want to be able to trust in my feelings and emotions again. I don't want to think that all of my efforts are in vain. Please tell me that everything I've put into how I feel for you, regardless of how small, isn't just another thing that you've gotten over and pushed to the wayside. Remember, you promised you wouldn't. I guess what I'm trying to say is, whether or not you meant for me to, I've fallen for you more than I initially intended. Not to say it's your fault; you can't help it, and apparently, neither can I. I just hope you don't forget everything, because that would be far worse than leaving. Leaving just means you can't be a part of it, but forgetting means you'd rather not acknowledge it ever happened...
The past couple of weeks have just been a little bit too crazy for me to even begin to comprehend. School's coming down to a close, tests are coming at me left and right. The funniest part about it all is that I've learned so much more outside of the classroom than in it.
You find out that the people that you thought you could depend on would be the ones to point and laugh when you stumble. You begin to realize that maybe not everything was as perfect as it seemed. You find out what it's like to get your heart broken by the one person that you least expected to break it. You try each and every day to find something good and honest to believe in.
...but without suffering, there would be no compassion. It takes some time, but when you take that moment to just breathe and take a real good look around, it's easy to see the good that can come from the bad. In finding out who would watch you take the fall, you also find out who the ones are that would hold out their hand, if not catch you. You realize that it is not the strive for perfection, but the understanding and acceptance of foibles and flaws that makes one perfect. As for a broken heart, I've heard the best remedy for that is a night with close, trusted friends, and an iTunes playlist that could melt John Mayer's heart. So it wasn't so much a search for the goodness and honesty that I needed, but more like life's slap in the face to show me that it was there all along.
So for tonight, I'll fall asleep to the skyline. Who knows, maybe he'll be falling asleep to it to, thinking the same things, singing the same words, and dreaming of exactly just who he wants to fall asleep with one day instead of the city lights...
