"Brace yourself..."

"...you know what's coming now. I could be your only way out."

For what seems like forever and a day, I've felt empty, like there was this hole in the middle of my chest. The problem is, I feel like it could be there for a number of reasons, and none of them all too pleasant...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that semi-annual 'rut' that we all know and love has returned, and this time it's packin' heat. I can't say that there's no one to blame for it. In truth, I could have just as easily been the one to call it out of hiding this time. The irksome part about this all is that, like all previous ruts I've been in, I have no definite and foolproof solution for getting rid of it.

Maybe it's karma. Maybe it's the universe doing its part in maintaining the balance of things in the world. All the bad things that I've done unto others has just reciprocated itself back to me in the form of one super-concentrated shot of emotional mayhem. No cream or sugar added.

Like always, I guess I'll have to bite my tongue and hold my breath until this all subsides.

<3

"Should I give up..."

"...or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?"

A quick late night shuffle session on my iTouch proved to be more insightful than I had originally planned...

"Why do we like to hurt so much?" - Paramore

I've said it once before, and I'll say it again: more often than not, we're more than willing to suffer the consequences of putting ourselves and our emotions on the line. Why? Simply put, every single person has a part of them that's obligingly masochistic. Everyone's been there at some point and time, or at the very least known someone who has. The question is, why bother putting up with all the nonsense in the first place? Well, because we hope that all the effort is worthwhile in the end, that our emotions didn't just run the gauntlet to come in second place. We want that storybook ending, regardless of what we have to go through to get it.

"Let's just take one minute to smile at the good times, one glance at you from when you were mine..." - Rob Blackledge

I remember when I was younger, being terribly bitter over break-ups. I'd be the typical emotional cripple for, at the very least, a couple of weeks. I'd empty out every drawer, closet, and locker of any reminder of the relationship, thinking it would help ease the pain that I was going through. It's taken me more than a couple years to realize that I truly needn't have gone through all the trouble. It's taken me several instances of broken hearts to realize that memories aren't things that can be erased by getting rid of tangible objects, or things that necessarily have to have a negative connotation to them. I'm at a point in my life where I'm nothing but happy about who I'm with and accepting of the decisions that I've made. I know now that hearts are meant to go through everything they do for a reason. Every moment in time spent caring for someone else is a moment that is meant to be cherished and remembered, not thrown away and forgotten.

Future installments to come...

<3

"It must be that time of year again..."

"...oh, 'cause it's getting warm."

I can't believe that it's been almost exactly six months since I last wrote here. I've got a Tumblr account now [LikeThePrincess] where I can post random thoughts at school when I don't feel like being too long-winded. I'm officially a member of the Double Decades Club, though it's not as prestigious as people make it out to be. Just one more year...

Things since that last post haven't changed too much. I'm older, and thankfully, significantly wiser. I learned the value of lots of hard work, and I found out that when I put my heart and soul into something I really love, the effort shows. Lots of ups, several downs, but all together more things to make into memories.

I went home to the Philippines for winter break. It was sad, in part; Bryan and my dad weren't coming along with my sister, my mother, and me. It was an interesting trip back home this time; part vacation, and part medical mission. I got to enjoy spending the holidays with my family (which I haven't been able to do since I was a very little girl), and I got to help people in my mother's home town that didn't have access to hospitals or proper medical care. Like always, going back to the Philippines is a wonderfully humbling experience. It's easy to forget that there are people in the world that don't wake up everyday wondering whether or not someone wrote on their Facebook wall, or poring over the difficult choice between a white or black iPhone. Some people in the Philippines have to make decisions between eating dinner or buying their children cough medicine. Others wake up before the crack of dawn just to walk to a job that pays considerably less than what we would consider as 'minimum wage'. For just a few weeks, it felt good to be able to help make a difference in these people's lives. When I'm a nurse, I can't wait to be able to do so much more.

<3