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...it's harder every day.
I am having the most whacked-out dreams lately, and a good majority have to do with me either beating the living shit out of someone, or of people dying...
Pent-up tension? A peek into the future? Or symbolism of something far more complex?
I was driving around today...just driving. I needed to try and clear my head. There was just wayyy too much going on in there. All day, I just felt kinda sad, and not necessarily about anything in specific. Just...sad, that's all. I don't really know if the driving did it, but I got home and I did feel better.
Anyways, back to the driving. I never really realized it up until then, but I have been taking for granted the time I get to myself. I feel as though I'm purposely trying to find something, anything for me to do or take up my time. Why? Maybe just to avoid thinking about things that needed to be thought about. I guess I try to convince myself that there are more 'pressing issues' to deal with, but in all reality, there really isn't. In comparison to everything bottled up inside, most other things can wait.
So, now that I have gotten the chance to think about it, what do I do?
<3>
...got canned heat in my heels tonight baby.
So hype was two days ago, and it still hasn't hit me that I was a part of it. I had so much fun practicing with the people in FIA that were doing it, and the experience in and of itself was nothing short of mind-blowing. All the dance groups were awesome and really inspiring to me. Mind you, the show took a while to actually start, but once it did, the night just kept on rollin'. Sagar, Ryan, Raj, and Josh were there, I saw IJC there too and bunch of other people. As much fun as the show was, it was a good feeling knowing that I had some really close friends there watching and supporting me; thanks guys!
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"...what if i want 'extraordinary' ? "
Random Thought #1: There was this poster in my french class all throughout high school. It was of Lucy from the Peanuts comics, and she was saying something in French; Mes goûts sont simples, j'aime la perfection. I used to agree with that, and now-a-days, I'm not so sure anymore...
Random Thought #2: I feel as though I was greatly deprived as a child because of the fact that I haven't ever been to Disneyworld.; been to the lesser, not-as-appealing-in-my-book Disneyland, and frankly, I just don't think it's the same. Is it too late for me to enjoy all that dear ol' Walt's imagination had to offer?
Random Thought #3: Fuck, I'm a sophomore in college after the end of this summer. I'm really that old already...
Random Thought #4: What if nursing isn't really what I wanna do? and how am I supposed to tell them? Maybe it's just me, and maybe it's just a phase I'm going through [right now], but in all honesty, it's all i eat, breathe, sleep, dream, and live these days. I just wanna get this cleared up...
<3
"...to all those who hear me all too well."
Freshman year is over, and it's the weirdest feeling, but I'm coming home missing all the people that I considered my 'family' at UIC. You don't realize it until you take your last final; you're done, you're packing your things, and it hits you that your closest friend for a majority of the past year will no longer be just a walk down the hall away. A walk's turned into a drive, a trip, or even a trek. The people you're used to having lunch with after a long day of lectures won't be as easy to meet up with as a text saying, "lunch @ the cafe?"
So this is an ode to those people; the ones that really made a big impact on me this year. I couldn't have made it out alive without each and every one of you.
Pam- Yeah, I know it's been one long year...we even had our first cry together! One down, hopefully only three more to go. I love you so much, as much as I love yellow gummy bears and boys that play tennis... ^_^ Besties since we were kiddies, and it ain't stoppin' now...
Thai- Can you believe our whole friendship started with, "who's this bitch?" Thanks for being there for me when I really needed you, and I think we need another sleepover night with tarot cards and hookah, okay? Don't forget about that video blog while you're in Thailand, okay? You promised, kiddo...
Jae- Modern just wouldn't have been the same without you. Thanks for being my sometimes mirror when I dance, and for teaching me to say words the wrong way soley based on how they're spelled, haha! (ja-la-pen-o, mo-ji-to...) DAHHH!!!
Raj- To start off, I must commend you on making my 19th birthday the BEST birthday ever. Good friends, good times...until midnight, lol! Thanks for taking care of me, watching out for me, and being someone to talk to when I really needed it.
Andrew- I finished Stairway to Heaven! Yay! Anyways, thanks for taking me to Cozy that night; really needed it. Still owe you a dinner you know...oh, and mission accomplished, I think we were the cutest couple at HC Ball...
Kay- SISTER! Where would I have been this year without you? Thanks for helping me out with everything, and being my State Street shopping buddy!!
Ale- KUYA! You're the best big brother anyone could ever ask for...I mean, come on, dunks for christmas!? oakely hoodie!? I love you soo much, ya-ya! Thanks for taking care of me, and telling me when I'm about to do something stupid. You can't leave me next year, please? I just couldn't bear it...
Kat- Ooooh my gahhh...like, I can't believe I, like, even met you this year! ^-^ Two semesters of the same class with you, with one of them not counting 'cause I get too lazy to go to class...Anyways, thanks for everything; the photoshoot, the random catch-up talks, everything. Same class again next year?
Tony- "These are my seven jeans, they cost more than your face!!" Ha, good times! Thanks for letting me pass out on your bunk that one day when I wasn't feeling good, haha! Just bummed that I'm gonna have to wait an entire summer to see you... =[
Sagar- Sags! Now, even though I beat you in the geo-bee way back in the day, I still love you, and I've loved you ever since that night....HAHAHA! No really, I really glad we're getting know each other better, not just as 'that kid i went to elementary school with.' Even though it was towards the end of second semester, I still had a lot of fun!
Ryan- Guess what? Regardless of anything, you're still a meanie...=] Just kidding! I really like getting to know you better, too bad it just had to be toward the end of the year... I say a photoshoot with your two favorite people (*cough*Leiah and Sagar*cough*) is in order sometime over the summer. Thanks for taking time to learn some of my raw-some dance moves.
<3
>>props to a certain Ryan Calacsan for the photo on the right, i love it!
So freshman year's over. I guess there's a lot of say about how it went. School-wise, I'm disappointed. I feel like I could have done so much better. Just something to work on for next year, I guess. Leaving today was somewhat bittersweet. I'm sad to leave all the friends that I made over the year, and yet I'm happy and excited to start the summer. It really did feel like the friends that I made this year were people that I could call family; people that I could really count on. Whether I met you in the beginning of the school year, or wayyy towards the end, know you all made an impact on me, and I'll always remember you...
"So what do we call it, the begininng's end...or the end's beginning?"
To finish off, the lyrics to the song that I've been oh-so-addicted to for the past couple days. Thanks to my best friend, Pam Cabrera, for that one...enjoy!
'this is not a test, not a test
there can't be any secrets.
do you think that i can see you?
i know it's late; i need you...
to open my chest, my chest
fix whatever you need to be fixed
so long as i can hold you,
breathe in rhythm with you...
it's all that i've waited for.
this is payback for all of the words
that never meant enough to keep me concerned
every homesick letter that never had the strength to find your door.
this is just enough to keep me concerned
with every hope i had that you would return
and now i've learned that you've become everything I once hated and still depend on.
this is torturous, torturous
so close i can feel your touch.
i'd be patient but i lust for you
i'll do anything you want me to.
i'll be the best chance you take
lost in the rhythm our bodies make
[boy] you know i lust for you,
i'll do anything you want me to
it's all that i've waited for
this is payback for all of the words
that never meant enough to keep me concerned
Every homesick letter that never had the strength to find your door
this is just enough to keep me concerned
with every hope i had that you would return
and now i've learned that you've become everything i once hated and still depend on
and if all i can do
is just sit and wait for you
then i guess i'll just be waiting till the end
oh I guess i'll just be waiting till the end'
<3
