Yesterday turned out really well. Started the morning off with church, then spent time at the mall with the family. Really chill, really simple, and I guess I needed it more than I thought I did. Coming home and just lying in my bed after a day like that felt all too deserved...
So I'm sitting there in my room just thinking about things that cross my mind. I start to think about people, places, dreams, all that existential kind of stuff. I start to think about how far in life I've come, and how much I've grown. Then, I start to think about certain people, and I get caught up in it. I think back to how much I used to stress about boys and having a boyfriend and being in a relationship. Now-a-days, I feel like I want to be able to see what it's like to just do things on my own without the 'burden' of having a boyfriend. I was talking to Pam, and she confirmed what Ive known all along. I'm the kind of girl that rarely stays single for long, if at all. It's long relationship after another, peppered with the little flings here and there.
I just want to know what it feels like. I've thought about it before, and frankly, it may have been a bad idea for me to go into college attached and part of a serious relationship. The fact that he goes to school two states away doesn't help things either. I don't know if I've been tempted by everything around me, or just coming to the realization that regardless of how serious I may think this relationship is, I'm NOT married. My parents tell me I'm young, and that I should be having fun when I'm in college, and not having to worry about answering to a boyfriend that goes to school 5 hours away.
So it makes me wonder, does my want for space and freedom mean that I need to re-evaluate my feelings for him as my boyfriend? Does it mean that I want to maybe start something new with someone new? Or are we meant to stay together throughout this whole thing regardless of feelings and anxiety? We fight more often then we ever have these days, and I think that this whole break from us being together is driving me closer to leaving completely. I may not mean too, but I find myself looking elsewhere, finding other people to be interested it. Does the prospect of possible relationship with certain people outweigh the current relationship that, while it may be falling apart, I'm still somewhat a part of?
I just want a sign, something, anything. I want to be able to trust in my feelings and emotions again. I don't want to think that all of my efforts are in vain. Please tell me that everything I've put into how I feel for you, regardless of how small, isn't just another thing that you've gotten over and pushed to the wayside. Remember, you promised you wouldn't. I guess what I'm trying to say is, whether or not you meant for me to, I've fallen for you more than I initially intended. Not to say it's your fault; you can't help it, and apparently, neither can I. I just hope you don't forget everything, because that would be far worse than leaving. Leaving just means you can't be a part of it, but forgetting means you'd rather not acknowledge it ever happened...
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