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'...exhale and breathe; just breathe for me.'
You'd be amazed at the amount of time three people can kill just by walking around the Bolingbrook Promenade. Good luck to the people that buy those two Post Secret books...cherish those secrets written on Potbelly's napkins in red and blue crayon. Ran into Ging at Pac-Sun today, and I also learned that whilst walking in the Promenade, you MUST wear your hat either completely forward or completely backward. Oh, Ale, such a rebel wearing your hat backward yet slightly angled to the left. Tsk tsk tsk. After the security guard walked down our aisle in Barnes and Noble, we put down our book of halfies (half Asians, half Caucasians) and jet out of there, but not before Thai picked up a copy of The Iliad and I grabbed a sketchbook (yessss...!). So now where did we wanna go?
One word: IKEA.
'Nuff said. If the same three people can preoccupy themselves laughing at stupid misspellings in a book about racial diversity, imagine the fun they can conjure up in a store filled with furnishings that no American in their right mind can properly pronounce...
Well, unless you're fluent in Swedish. It was a good day spent with good people. All a girl can really ask for, I guess.
<3
'...blowing through the jasmine in my mind.'
Been keeping it really simple for the past couple days. I've been watching the skies for fear that one of those many reported twisters just so happens to touch down nearby because everyone refuses to believe it's actually going to hit...
I was talking to Ading Trina, and she told me she watched my workshop video. Frankly, I had a really good time at that workshop, but I was still really disappointed in myself. I always think I can do better; it's more my fault for being my own worse critic. So I spent most of last night trying to find a song then Ben says should want to 'make me move', lol. Trina said she might talk to Kris and see if she could find someone I could collab with for a Nonstop workshop *fingers crossed!*. Passed out on Anne's bedroom floor to her playing video games. Wasn't surprised that I had another whacked-out dream night, but it was pretty funny. Earth was about to get destroyed due to Jupiter's gravitational pull, but then somehow miraculously escaped. Oh, but wait, side effects of the gravity change gave certain humans (and some animals) superhuman powers. Yep, I could fly...my three huskies could, too. Oh yeah, they could talk, too. My wacky dream couldn't be complete without the usual half-woman, half-underwater creature...and a cameo by Chuck Norris.
So I finally found that song though, and I can almost guarantee I'll be dancing to it in my head on the way to dinner tonight...
<3
"...from Beijing to Saigon."
Today was essentially a really good day. Shout out to mommy and daddy (it was their 15th wedding anniversary today). Yeah, they actually put up with each other for that long, haha...
It was hot today, and I mean 'if I had balls, they would for sure as hell be sticking to my leg' hot. Besides that, it was a nice chill day at home. For the first time in a long while, I actually took a mid-day nap. It was really nice, and daddy even put a pillow under my head when I fell asleep on the couch and everything...
So I was thinking about it today, and wondered what life would be like if I never came to America. What kind of person would I be if my mom and real dad never got divorced when I was little? What if, even if they did, my mom never decided to bring me over to live with her and my step-dad here in America? After my mom had brought me here when I was 4 years old, I was kind of mad at her for the longest time because she took me away from my dad. At the point and time, I never knew that my parents were divorced; they never thought it important to tell me. I mean, even when my mom picked me up from the airport, I thought that my step-dad was our driver (yeah, in the Philippines, I had a driver) . Then as time passed, I found out that I was so lucky to have the kind of step-dad that I did. Over the years, I kind of found out that my step-dad would be more of a dad to me than my real dad would ever be. Regardless of the fact that my real dad now lives only about a 45 minute drive away, he knows little to nothing about my life. From birthdays to boyfriends to break-ups, it was always my step-dad that was there for me. Frankly, he's the one that I can talk to about things like that. He's always given me advice when he thought it was needed, let me cry it out when he really wanted to kick some dude's ass instead, and let me take care of things on my own when he knew I could handle it. So I just have to wonder, who gets to walk me down the aisle when the time comes? Is it the guy who I share half my DNA with, or the guy that I owe most of my life to?...
I guess it all comes down to the fact that everything in my life happened for a reason, all the good stuff as well as the bad. Everything, even down to the little detail, made me the kind of person I am today. All the jerks that broke my heart, bitches that talked about me, friends that laughed with me, and hearts I fell in love with contributed to the way that I am now in some way. So as for wondering what kind of person I would be like if I didn't come to America; as much as it is a really deep question to ponder, I really would rather not like to think about it. I bet I would have turned out as a fine young woman regardless of where I ended up calling home, but I love how far I've come and the way I am now, thanks...
<3
...their minds say, "Gotcha, Heart; let's move it along."
What a day. not quite as i had planned, but still...
What a day.
Great, now I'm confused, too...and I think even the shopping couldn't cure that. Nice try, H&M, but this one's a toughie.
Song quotes, that always helps whenever I can't find the right words. They always ended up doing a better job, anyways...
"Now waking up is hard to do, sleeping's impossible too..."-Maroon 5
"I'd do anything to keep this fear from flowing through my veins, so I'd stay awake and fret just for you..."-Daphne Loves Derby
Why does it always have to be like this...?
<3
...only when we can't.
Just doing some sporadic cleaning today, and somehow, like he knew I needed it...I found it. It was my final draft of my personal statement that I sent into UIC. It was about my friend, Max Zeman, and the day I went to his wake. In the hustle and bustle of things that have been going on in my life lately, when I picked up that draft, it all went away. Those two pieces of paper and all the words written on them made me remember that there was more to life than worrying about every little thing and every little detail. So here's a bit of insight onto part of what helped me get into UIC; disregarding the ACT scores, I think this pushed me over the top.
"Rummaging through my drawer, I came across a wrinkled and frayed tie, it's silken cloth worn over time...I thought back to the day when Max had given it to me to keep, a token of his kindness and a sign of support for my search to find myself. "Don't worry, I'm here to help," he said. His gentle smile and eyes filled with compassion for my plight showed that he was sincere."
"As I stepped into the funeral home, I saw many saddened yet familiar faces. I saw friends from school, and ones that I hadn't seen in years. Then, slowly turning to my left, there lay Max. I walked up to the coffin with the tie in hand, and as I kneeled down to pray, I cried. The tears were painful, and I could feel the pit in my stomach swell and grow as each one fell...I crossed myself with my right hand, kissed it, and touched Max's heart. It was cold and still, the warmth of his life and love long gone. I took the tie I had in my other hand, and gently placed it beside him. "Thanks for everything, buddy. I really am going to miss you. You can have this back now. I want you to look spiffy when you get up there." I smiled, and half expected him to smile back at the silly joke."
"Laughter replaced tears, and smiles replaced frowns. As we shared stories of old times that we all spent together, the hallway slowly began to fill up. Other people came in to look through the photos and to find a memory that they shared with Max. Looking around, it amazed me to see how many lives on person could affect. The fact that one heart could touch a hundred others made me appreciate the life I had.
Walking out of the funeral home, I was a changed person. In life, and in death, Max taught me so much more than I could have ever imagined. I learned to be compassionate for others, and to be kind at heart. I learned that simple actions could affect a person in the grandest ways. I learned to appreciate the people that blessed my life, because I would never be promised tomorrow with them. I also learned that life is a precious gift, not to be wasted but to be spent wisely. It is not what you have in life, but what you do with it that shows whether or not you have had a life worth living. From what I saw today, and from what I have known for years, Max lived a good life."
To this day, I still think about him sometimes, and I cry because I miss him so much. No one really realizes how important he was, and is, to me, and I don't think anyone ever really will. Max saved me, and I can't thank him enough for everything. I hope I'm making you proud, Max...
<3
...it's harder every day.
I am having the most whacked-out dreams lately, and a good majority have to do with me either beating the living shit out of someone, or of people dying...
Pent-up tension? A peek into the future? Or symbolism of something far more complex?
I was driving around today...just driving. I needed to try and clear my head. There was just wayyy too much going on in there. All day, I just felt kinda sad, and not necessarily about anything in specific. Just...sad, that's all. I don't really know if the driving did it, but I got home and I did feel better.
Anyways, back to the driving. I never really realized it up until then, but I have been taking for granted the time I get to myself. I feel as though I'm purposely trying to find something, anything for me to do or take up my time. Why? Maybe just to avoid thinking about things that needed to be thought about. I guess I try to convince myself that there are more 'pressing issues' to deal with, but in all reality, there really isn't. In comparison to everything bottled up inside, most other things can wait.
So, now that I have gotten the chance to think about it, what do I do?
<3>
...got canned heat in my heels tonight baby.
So hype was two days ago, and it still hasn't hit me that I was a part of it. I had so much fun practicing with the people in FIA that were doing it, and the experience in and of itself was nothing short of mind-blowing. All the dance groups were awesome and really inspiring to me. Mind you, the show took a while to actually start, but once it did, the night just kept on rollin'. Sagar, Ryan, Raj, and Josh were there, I saw IJC there too and bunch of other people. As much fun as the show was, it was a good feeling knowing that I had some really close friends there watching and supporting me; thanks guys!
<3>
"...what if i want 'extraordinary' ? "
Random Thought #1: There was this poster in my french class all throughout high school. It was of Lucy from the Peanuts comics, and she was saying something in French; Mes goûts sont simples, j'aime la perfection. I used to agree with that, and now-a-days, I'm not so sure anymore...
Random Thought #2: I feel as though I was greatly deprived as a child because of the fact that I haven't ever been to Disneyworld.; been to the lesser, not-as-appealing-in-my-book Disneyland, and frankly, I just don't think it's the same. Is it too late for me to enjoy all that dear ol' Walt's imagination had to offer?
Random Thought #3: Fuck, I'm a sophomore in college after the end of this summer. I'm really that old already...
Random Thought #4: What if nursing isn't really what I wanna do? and how am I supposed to tell them? Maybe it's just me, and maybe it's just a phase I'm going through [right now], but in all honesty, it's all i eat, breathe, sleep, dream, and live these days. I just wanna get this cleared up...
<3
"...to all those who hear me all too well."
Freshman year is over, and it's the weirdest feeling, but I'm coming home missing all the people that I considered my 'family' at UIC. You don't realize it until you take your last final; you're done, you're packing your things, and it hits you that your closest friend for a majority of the past year will no longer be just a walk down the hall away. A walk's turned into a drive, a trip, or even a trek. The people you're used to having lunch with after a long day of lectures won't be as easy to meet up with as a text saying, "lunch @ the cafe?"
So this is an ode to those people; the ones that really made a big impact on me this year. I couldn't have made it out alive without each and every one of you.
Pam- Yeah, I know it's been one long year...we even had our first cry together! One down, hopefully only three more to go. I love you so much, as much as I love yellow gummy bears and boys that play tennis... ^_^ Besties since we were kiddies, and it ain't stoppin' now...
Thai- Can you believe our whole friendship started with, "who's this bitch?" Thanks for being there for me when I really needed you, and I think we need another sleepover night with tarot cards and hookah, okay? Don't forget about that video blog while you're in Thailand, okay? You promised, kiddo...
Jae- Modern just wouldn't have been the same without you. Thanks for being my sometimes mirror when I dance, and for teaching me to say words the wrong way soley based on how they're spelled, haha! (ja-la-pen-o, mo-ji-to...) DAHHH!!!
Raj- To start off, I must commend you on making my 19th birthday the BEST birthday ever. Good friends, good times...until midnight, lol! Thanks for taking care of me, watching out for me, and being someone to talk to when I really needed it.
Andrew- I finished Stairway to Heaven! Yay! Anyways, thanks for taking me to Cozy that night; really needed it. Still owe you a dinner you know...oh, and mission accomplished, I think we were the cutest couple at HC Ball...
Kay- SISTER! Where would I have been this year without you? Thanks for helping me out with everything, and being my State Street shopping buddy!!
Ale- KUYA! You're the best big brother anyone could ever ask for...I mean, come on, dunks for christmas!? oakely hoodie!? I love you soo much, ya-ya! Thanks for taking care of me, and telling me when I'm about to do something stupid. You can't leave me next year, please? I just couldn't bear it...
Kat- Ooooh my gahhh...like, I can't believe I, like, even met you this year! ^-^ Two semesters of the same class with you, with one of them not counting 'cause I get too lazy to go to class...Anyways, thanks for everything; the photoshoot, the random catch-up talks, everything. Same class again next year?
Tony- "These are my seven jeans, they cost more than your face!!" Ha, good times! Thanks for letting me pass out on your bunk that one day when I wasn't feeling good, haha! Just bummed that I'm gonna have to wait an entire summer to see you... =[
Sagar- Sags! Now, even though I beat you in the geo-bee way back in the day, I still love you, and I've loved you ever since that night....HAHAHA! No really, I really glad we're getting know each other better, not just as 'that kid i went to elementary school with.' Even though it was towards the end of second semester, I still had a lot of fun!
Ryan- Guess what? Regardless of anything, you're still a meanie...=] Just kidding! I really like getting to know you better, too bad it just had to be toward the end of the year... I say a photoshoot with your two favorite people (*cough*Leiah and Sagar*cough*) is in order sometime over the summer. Thanks for taking time to learn some of my raw-some dance moves.
<3
>>props to a certain Ryan Calacsan for the photo on the right, i love it!
So freshman year's over. I guess there's a lot of say about how it went. School-wise, I'm disappointed. I feel like I could have done so much better. Just something to work on for next year, I guess. Leaving today was somewhat bittersweet. I'm sad to leave all the friends that I made over the year, and yet I'm happy and excited to start the summer. It really did feel like the friends that I made this year were people that I could call family; people that I could really count on. Whether I met you in the beginning of the school year, or wayyy towards the end, know you all made an impact on me, and I'll always remember you...
"So what do we call it, the begininng's end...or the end's beginning?"
To finish off, the lyrics to the song that I've been oh-so-addicted to for the past couple days. Thanks to my best friend, Pam Cabrera, for that one...enjoy!
'this is not a test, not a test
there can't be any secrets.
do you think that i can see you?
i know it's late; i need you...
to open my chest, my chest
fix whatever you need to be fixed
so long as i can hold you,
breathe in rhythm with you...
it's all that i've waited for.
this is payback for all of the words
that never meant enough to keep me concerned
every homesick letter that never had the strength to find your door.
this is just enough to keep me concerned
with every hope i had that you would return
and now i've learned that you've become everything I once hated and still depend on.
this is torturous, torturous
so close i can feel your touch.
i'd be patient but i lust for you
i'll do anything you want me to.
i'll be the best chance you take
lost in the rhythm our bodies make
[boy] you know i lust for you,
i'll do anything you want me to
it's all that i've waited for
this is payback for all of the words
that never meant enough to keep me concerned
Every homesick letter that never had the strength to find your door
this is just enough to keep me concerned
with every hope i had that you would return
and now i've learned that you've become everything i once hated and still depend on
and if all i can do
is just sit and wait for you
then i guess i'll just be waiting till the end
oh I guess i'll just be waiting till the end'
<3
