"I can twist out lines for every situation..."

"...all I have is a heart that's trained to calculate my losses in the end."

Life is hard; nothing could be truer than that. Life is meant to throw you curveballs, and you're supposed to adjust in order to hit it right back, straight out of the park. The complications and hardships are meant to strengthen you. The bad times are supposed to be followed by times of simplicity and happiness. This is the balance that is life...

So why is that all I feel is darkness? Why is it that continuously strike out, day after day? Where is my balance, why is my promised serenity? I want my rainbows and sunshine and saccharine goodness, but apparently I don't deserve that...

I guess all I can do is wait.

"Brace yourself..."

"...you know what's coming now. I could be your only way out."

For what seems like forever and a day, I've felt empty, like there was this hole in the middle of my chest. The problem is, I feel like it could be there for a number of reasons, and none of them all too pleasant...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that semi-annual 'rut' that we all know and love has returned, and this time it's packin' heat. I can't say that there's no one to blame for it. In truth, I could have just as easily been the one to call it out of hiding this time. The irksome part about this all is that, like all previous ruts I've been in, I have no definite and foolproof solution for getting rid of it.

Maybe it's karma. Maybe it's the universe doing its part in maintaining the balance of things in the world. All the bad things that I've done unto others has just reciprocated itself back to me in the form of one super-concentrated shot of emotional mayhem. No cream or sugar added.

Like always, I guess I'll have to bite my tongue and hold my breath until this all subsides.

<3

"Should I give up..."

"...or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?"

A quick late night shuffle session on my iTouch proved to be more insightful than I had originally planned...

"Why do we like to hurt so much?" - Paramore

I've said it once before, and I'll say it again: more often than not, we're more than willing to suffer the consequences of putting ourselves and our emotions on the line. Why? Simply put, every single person has a part of them that's obligingly masochistic. Everyone's been there at some point and time, or at the very least known someone who has. The question is, why bother putting up with all the nonsense in the first place? Well, because we hope that all the effort is worthwhile in the end, that our emotions didn't just run the gauntlet to come in second place. We want that storybook ending, regardless of what we have to go through to get it.

"Let's just take one minute to smile at the good times, one glance at you from when you were mine..." - Rob Blackledge

I remember when I was younger, being terribly bitter over break-ups. I'd be the typical emotional cripple for, at the very least, a couple of weeks. I'd empty out every drawer, closet, and locker of any reminder of the relationship, thinking it would help ease the pain that I was going through. It's taken me more than a couple years to realize that I truly needn't have gone through all the trouble. It's taken me several instances of broken hearts to realize that memories aren't things that can be erased by getting rid of tangible objects, or things that necessarily have to have a negative connotation to them. I'm at a point in my life where I'm nothing but happy about who I'm with and accepting of the decisions that I've made. I know now that hearts are meant to go through everything they do for a reason. Every moment in time spent caring for someone else is a moment that is meant to be cherished and remembered, not thrown away and forgotten.

Future installments to come...

<3

"It must be that time of year again..."

"...oh, 'cause it's getting warm."

I can't believe that it's been almost exactly six months since I last wrote here. I've got a Tumblr account now [LikeThePrincess] where I can post random thoughts at school when I don't feel like being too long-winded. I'm officially a member of the Double Decades Club, though it's not as prestigious as people make it out to be. Just one more year...

Things since that last post haven't changed too much. I'm older, and thankfully, significantly wiser. I learned the value of lots of hard work, and I found out that when I put my heart and soul into something I really love, the effort shows. Lots of ups, several downs, but all together more things to make into memories.

I went home to the Philippines for winter break. It was sad, in part; Bryan and my dad weren't coming along with my sister, my mother, and me. It was an interesting trip back home this time; part vacation, and part medical mission. I got to enjoy spending the holidays with my family (which I haven't been able to do since I was a very little girl), and I got to help people in my mother's home town that didn't have access to hospitals or proper medical care. Like always, going back to the Philippines is a wonderfully humbling experience. It's easy to forget that there are people in the world that don't wake up everyday wondering whether or not someone wrote on their Facebook wall, or poring over the difficult choice between a white or black iPhone. Some people in the Philippines have to make decisions between eating dinner or buying their children cough medicine. Others wake up before the crack of dawn just to walk to a job that pays considerably less than what we would consider as 'minimum wage'. For just a few weeks, it felt good to be able to help make a difference in these people's lives. When I'm a nurse, I can't wait to be able to do so much more.

<3

"You love me..."

"...even though I don't deserve it"

Another mid-day post, and my first one since the school year started. I suppose that there's much that I could be talking about, like my rampant pre-"first day of school" parties. I guess the only thing to say about that is one can only talk about that which they have experienced.

Layman's terms: the last party this girl saw before school started was her cousin's cotillion.

So this morning, I ended up missing my 7:48 train out of Hanover Park, meaning I missed Anthro lecture; the only class that I would even remotely enjoy today. I figured I'd just take the 8:55 and miss a tiny bit of the first part of Bio. Frankly, the morning didn't start off as well as I would have hoped. On top of missing my train and my favorite class of the day, I'm not even sure that I paid for the right space number this morning. I parked what seemed like miles away from the actual train station, so by the time I got there, I completely forgot what parking space I was. I've been crossing my fingers all day hoping I don't see a parking sticker on my window when I get back tonight.

There I am, sitting dejectedly on the train, by myself thankfully. I don't think I would have wanted to pass on my bad mood to anyone else. We're almost to the city, and we reach the stop for Western Avenue. As I try to lose myself for a bit by staring out the window, something catches my eye. It was what looked like a page of a magazine with an ad on it. Like someone knew exactly what I was thinking, the ad said, "Is there more to life than just this?" I couldn't even begin to formulate my answer before the train pulled away.

I've been thinking about it all day, and sadly I don't have an answer. All I have is hope that there is more to life than just what we see and hear and experience day in and day out. Monotony is good, in a sense. It gives your day sructure and balance, but to live like that for the rest of your life. My reply is this...

I don't know about you, but if there isn't more to life than just this, what do any of us really live for?

<3

One touch...

'...I'm hooked and I am drowning.'

So for the past couple of days, I've been listening to my iPod on shuffle. Gets me around to the songs that I haven't listened to in a long time. It was pretty nostalgic, to tell you the truth.

I tried going to bed early last night, and like always, it didn't really get me anywhere. Gabe Bondoc's song 'One Touch' came up on shuffle, and I was listening to it for a bit, and I got to thinking about some things. The song talks about how easily a person can fall for someone just because of a single touch or a single look. In all reality, everyone wants to believe that's all it takes, but sometimes that belief turns into delusion. People think that the only way to lie is with your words, but that's not the case. I hear it all the time from so many of my friends: "...but he held my hand all the way there," or "I don't get it. She kissed me, though." It's harder to tell yourself that they lied when the natural belief is that words, not physical interaction, can give a person away. It's nothing we think about in the moment because we're too caught up in it at the time. So who's at fault here? Is it your fault for falling for something seemingly harmless, something that was never really intended to break you? Is it the other person's fault for feigning attraction and inadvertently getting your hopes up? Every situation is unique and different, so it truly is hard to make a definite call on who is to blame. In that instant, no one's really to blame. Why? Because at that very moment, it's all you really wanted, and there's no denying that it's all they wanted, too.

<3

Timing's everything...

"...and this time there's plenty."

Another morning post.

Got a lot of things done this past week. Learned a lot of things, too. Summer's slowly winding down to a close, and I'm not really sure where it went, to tell you the truth. I wish I could say I had crazy little fiascos to make this 'summer of 2008' one of the most memorable to date. Nope, no fiascos. No scandalous happenings. It was simple. I hung out with my family and friends, did some stuff around the house, found a new addiction in the form of a book series. I got my heart broken, fell in love, then had it all fall apart again. I made new friends, and relished time with old ones. I reveled in my last possible moments of 'childhood', and figured out when it was high time that I needed to grow up. Thanks to everyone who just so happened to be part of this simple summer. For everyone else who wasn't, there's always the school year...

<3

Bonjour, money...

'...au revoir, bitches.'

MONDAY: Chilled out at home for a while, then went over to Neilani's house. Joseph was there, cooking dinner. Had dinner and played brawl for a while. Bryan met me at Neilani's house, and then we drove to Tony's. Hung out with Tony and Shai, and all four of us watched 'Jon and Kate Plus 8' by the request of me and Shai. Repeats to come soon (hopefully).

TUESDAY-WEDNESDAY: I wish I could even remember...seriously.

THURSDAY: Painted the living room with pops. Orange; not an obscenely bright orange, but sort of like a calming burnt orange. Finished that just in time for Bryan to come over for dinner and watch ABDC. I am still trying to recover from the grief. Supreme Soul should have never been in the bottom two in the first place. I'll miss you, George Anzaldo.

FRIDAY: Massage therapy in the morning. No lie, for a small asian woman, she completely and utterly owned me. I did not know that my neck and shoulders were even that tense. Went paint shopping with the parents (yellow, for the kitchen). Went home, and got ready to go out with Pam. Spent the rest of the day in the city with friends. It felt really good to be back, Windy...

SATURDAY: Picked up grandma from work. Went back home and helped dad prime the kitchen. Bryan came over, had dinner, then the whole bunch of us up and went to Summerfest. God, I felt old. Ran into 3/4 of IJL and Alyssa, which was really nice. Haven't seen the girls in a while, so it was all too refreshing. Watched the fireworks on the hillside by the rides, and I think for the first time in a long time, Anne didn't scream. Met up with the parents at the main stage, and finished off the night with a plate of fresh carnival funnel cake.

SUNDAY: Church, and a mass that I didn't sleep through. Went to Grand Victoria's for brunch with family, including the grandparents. Went back home to clean, and Bryan came over when Anne and I were done. Watched 'Last Holiday' and ate gyros and italian beef.

Awesome week.

<3>

When you go...

'...all i know is you're my favorite mistake.'

I've always wondered why, in life, it was the things that hurt me that enticed me the most. Ever since that first day, staring at the flickering candles on the kitchen table. They said it would hurt me if I played with fire, so I shouldn't even start. Too bad, guys. You just made me want to play even more. It was because you said I couldn't have it, that it would hurt if I even tried. I wanted to prove you wrong, that I would be the one that could play with fire and walk away...

Take that concept, and relate it to people. Relate it, specifically, to that one person. They're your candle, your bad addiction. Regardless of all that hurt they cause, the harm they do you to, you just keep coming back for more. As humans, our brains are trained to help us in terms of survival. When something bad happens to us, even once, and the action has bad repercussions, our brains store it. So the action isn't repeated. So the reaction is kept from happening.

...But we come back. Again and again, over and over. For what? For the same reason why we played with the fire. All the rest of the world says it is our very own forbidden fruit, the one thing in which we are simply not able to indulge. Heaven forbid you take away the one thing that, deep down, we want the most. Even with all the red warning flags, we still dare to take that dangerously icy plunge. Why?

Because we hope and pray that one day, we can prove that we are the ones fit to handle the fire.

<3

Rewind that...

'...just rollin' with the rhythm.'

Wow. I'm usually extremely verbose with my posts, but this particular one needs only a few simple words. I write, without the expectation of anyone to read.

Dear world, I stand corrected.

<3